6-28 | Birthing a Fat-Weasel

6/28/18 - Highest weight in months and still I cannot/will not get myself back on track. I just don't even know what is wrong with me. I feel like such a big fake faker. People talk about being their 'authentic self', I've been faking it for so long I have no idea who the real me is. Or if there ever was a real me. Maybe the real me is trying to eat its way out. Sort of a Fat-Weasel birth instead of an Ass-Weasel (sorry Mr. Stephen King) birth. I just don't know.

This was the entry in my weight loss journal the other day. Just a brief entry, but it was like a smack from the Universe upside the back of  my head. So now all I have to do is uncover, release or whatever, to let that person out. Yeah, I'll jump up and do that little thing right now. This is not my first trip to this particular rodeo - I've been trying to rope this calf for a great many years now. 

There was a period of, hmm, about 4-5 years where I didn't struggle with my weight. It was a wonderful time, if you don't consider the fact that I suffered from hot flashes day and night. Literally day and night. I was also a bit more active, cleaning homes one day a week, taking care of my own home and yard and working a 32 hour week. I needed only be half-mindful of what I ate, no counting points or eating a gallon of cabbage soup a day, or fasting every two days (all real things in the 'diet' world). But the hot flashes! If you have never had one, even a mild one, you have no idea how disrupting they can be, but in my sleep-deprived, hormone-driven mind, the hot flashes were helping burn calories and fat. Wasn't that an interesting connection to make? 

But back to my revelation of the possible cause of this nearly life-long struggle, this outer shell trying to birth the real inner me (a.k.a. the Fat-Weasel). I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days, trying to determine if there really even is a 'real me'. I mean, short of baring the soft, white underbelly of my psyche to a therapist, is it possible for me to work through this?