7/1 | Snak crack

7/1/18 I did well until late afternoon when the snak crack came out. Yep, I indulged alright. Savory, salty crack. Then some salty, delicious Grana Padano (just a tiny piece tho - > a gram?). Then dinner. I cooked 1/2 a 6 lb zucchini w/meatless meatballs (Thanks Trader Joe - more crack in my diet LOL), marinara, the aforementioned Grana Padano and some string cheese - strung out ha! I kill me! Split it w/Meems but then had 3-4 too many pieces of baguette and 4-8 ounces too much Chardonay. And then a couple of pinwheels, animal crack & then kettle corn. I don't know why I keep gaining weight. Really? So, so disgusted w/myself. It's like I'm off to the side watching myself do this shit. To myself FFS!

All I can say is, today is a chance to try, try again. I keep thinking if I can just get a string of 2-3 days down, I'll be able to get back into the saddle, so to speak. Why the fuck am I fighting it so hard? Do I really want to have to lose 35# again? For the how many times now? I think it's already been 4 times over the past 30 years. That's a big chunk of my life. I was able to quit smoking, stop abusing opioids, why can't I get a grip here? I know I have an addictive personality. I was abt to write why can't I get addicted to weight-loss, but as suddenly as I thought that, it occured to m that would be an eating disorder (annorexia - SP?). But constantly struggling to stay or get under control is a disorder too I think. WTF!!

Snak crack - edamame rice crackers from Trader Joe's. A place where some of my favorite addictions originate like:

Trader Joe's Meatless Meatballs - Just what the name implies. But there is something in these things...umami?? Each bite is just a perfect balance of flavor and mouth-feel. Savory with a pinch of sweet?

Grana Padano - hard, salty cheese, similar to Parmesan. Cheese is an addictive substance. No, really. I read something about a compound or something, in cheese that can have a effect on the brain similar to certain drugs - the article at this link is just one of hundreds on the subject:  https://tinyurl.com/ychunga7

String cheese - another thing we're all familiar with. And again with the cheese! Though I have to say, mozzarella does not do the things to me that the hard, salty cheeses do. Or a good cheddar or feta does. While I do enjoy the creamier cheeses like mozzarella, gouda, and swiss, the tendency to have one more bite, then another and another is really not such a thing with them. Hallelujah and thank goodness for small miracles. Seriously.

Baguette? Thank you very much. I can usually limit myself to a quarter of a demi-baguette. Except when I can't. 

Chardonnay - bizarrely enough, (and thank the gods!) I don't crave alcohol. And when I do drink I usually have a 4 oz serving. Last night I had about 2 servings. Rosé is the exception. I do get a craving for an ice cold Rosé from time-to-time in the summer months, and I will often have 2 servings when I indulge. Again, I thank the gods that I don't care to indulge all that often.

Pinwheels - quarter-sized soft caramel with a sort of creme center, not chewy like the caramel, sort of crumbly. And super-sweet. I don't know if that is what the candy is officially called, that's what we call it here on 'the Ridge'.

Animal crack - animal crackers from Aldi. Crisp cookie with just a touch of sweet.

Kettle corn - we all know what that is don't we? Salty-sweet popcorn.

Salty, salty, sweet, salty and sweet. And then it's on!

I do well most days until I get home from work. Even if I have some days (like Friday) where I have eaten most of what I brought for lunch and snacks by 12:30. I can usually keep myself from going out and buying something junky and we don't have vending machines at work. So I'm usually okay, unless there is free food somewhere in the building. Sigh. That was the free-for-all Thursday, baked goods from Panera. Day before was leftover snacks from Happy Hour at the brewery down the street from work. Luckily there aren't usually a lot of those days. But the same pattern holds true for weekends at home. I guess by evening time I've used up all my will power. Though I think sometimes we really have to use a combination of will and  won't power. I will do this, I won't do that.

I think my earliest addiction was tobacco, followed closely by depressants (think Valium, Quaaludes though in fairness to myself, while I used and quite enjoyed those drugs, I was not addicted, but I did really like them), various foods and opioids (to which I was addicted, but not out-of-hand, lose-everything-and-become-homeless addicted).

When I liken a food or substance to crack, in my own life, I am not making light of anyone's addiction to crack or any other drug. To me these things are an addiction with grip as potentially strong as crack or heroin or tobacco or alcohol. They are physically damaging as well. The main difference being I can feed my addictions (Ha! Pun intended or not? You decide.) just about anytime, anywhere and I won't get a D.U.I. Except maybe in England where I hear it is illegal to do anything with your hands while driving except to hold the steering wheel.

So I know my additions play a large part in my weight issue, but there is also the feeling that I'm keeping something pushed down. Eating my emotions, just like we talk about in Weight Watchers. But until I can figure out how to break down and birth that Fat-Weasel I know I'm going to continue to struggle. I do think I need to rename the Fat-Weasel. While it was apt, and funny when it first popped into my head, it seems kind of mean now. But the whole birthing thing whether an ass-weasel or fat-weasel, is still apt, I definitely need a better name.

{{Holding my breath and clicking Publish}}