6/29/18 Ok. I let yesterday be a total blow-off day. Just ate whatever came into view. It made me happy for one brief second-right when I took that first bite. After that it was just shame. And yet I kept going back for more. I want to change that today. I want to eat mindfully, to enjoy each bite and not taste shame. I want to be able to push past the cravings for empty carbs & calories & eat something that will satisfy body & soul. I want to track every thing. Whether it's w/in my daily range or not. I want to see the scale move down, not up. And I want this tire around my gut to come off. I know it sounds like a laundry list of demands, but in actuality it's nothing that hasn't happened in the past 18 months or so. I'm just going to make it happen again. I'm also going to try to figure out who I am, who the real or authentic 'me' is. I'm considering yesterday and all that lead up to it, the Fat-Weasel birth. Or is it a re-birth? I wonder if I shouldn't start blogging at night instead of stuffing my face. Perhaps if I wrote more I'd find the Fat-Weasel newborn.
- Night-time skin care - EVERY EVENING
- Fix lunch - EVERY EVENING
- In bed by - 9:30
Okay, by 12:57 today I'd had oatmeal, almonds - twice, kale, veggies w/hummus & mixed fruit. I'm feeling full, and sort of ashamed. Why did I have to eat so much food before 1:00PM?? I start & I can't stop. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself, but I can't keep letting myself off the hook either.
Had my apple & cheese earlier, working on plain crudité now.
Can you see my problem? I feel like I don't have an off switch or something. I sometimes think my goals are unrealistic, but then I think, no, they're not. For some reason I'm fighting myself. {Walks up to wall and starts banging head - what the fuck, what the fuck?} But the idea of blogging stuck, so I'll try that and see what happens.
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