7/11/18 Hanging in, barely. Starting to not care abt a lot of shit. Dangerous place to be. Speaking from past experience, this is almost where I just totally let go. Stop smearing on any make-up, let my hair grow out & get gross, gain weight, letting my clothes get tight & uncomfortable & just feel so blobby & useless. At that point I'll eat & drink whatever I can reach & stuff into my face. This usually goes on for anywhere from 2-4 years before I finally get sick of myself and start over. How to start over without actually having to lose 30, 35 lbs? Start going back to WW every Sat. again. (lightbulb). Sigh. No more early Sat. patio mornings, no more tracking only the stuff I'm not embarrassed to see in blk & white. In other words, being accountable to myself and Big Weight-Watcher Brother. I just don't have the wherewithal to be accountable on my own, to myself. I consider that a sad character flaw. In me that is. I don't hold others to that particular standard. Tho I do expect personal resp. from others (I'm disappointed, a lot).
Another dangerous thought (danger signal)-been having random thoughts of Vico's. And it freaks me out b/c they really seem to come out of nowhere. It will soon be six months, and I know I just can't go thru that again. Ugh. Hopefully by recognizing that I'm having the thoughts and paying attention to them and remembering how NOT GOOD they made me feel, those thoughts will just keep moving. I won't go there. Can't go there.
I think I'm a little ahead of the eight-ball, sort of, by recognizing that I'm getting dangerously close to the drop-off.
I don't love how whiny and complaining I'm coming across to myself but this is the shit that's in my head, and how I'm feeling. I think that part of my problem (or maybe the whole damn thing) is that I start falling off track, get a few (ok, several) pounds up and feel like 'oh screw it, I'm too far gone, just gonna do whatever I like'. Or I try to rein myself in, start off in the morning pre-tracking for the day, and then sabotage myself somewhere along the line, and instead of stopping right then and there, I give myself permission to just go nuts for the rest of the day. Because, again, why not? I'm off track, just drive this train off the edge of the cliff and just free-fall.
Another major roadblock that I throw out for myself is just what I wrote in my journal this AM. I don't track everything. I only write down the stuff I'm not embarrassed for someone else to see. How totally fucked up is that????? I'm mean really. Like if I don't acknowledge it, it's not true, or didn't happen? What the hell? I shall forever moving forward, refer to that as Trumping myself. And I ain't laughing either.
So I'm trying, really trying today. I'm okay at work, there's nothing there but some stale blue corn chip crumbs that pretty much everyone has touched trying to get the bigger pieces out of the bag. The gross factor is working in my favor somewhat :) And I'm actually sitting in a coffee shop typing this and I had to walk past a case of beautiful baked goods. A treat sounds nice, but I know how crummy I'll feel afterward, disappointed in myself. I've got fruit at work. Not the same but it doesn't make me feel like shit after I eat it either. And my stomach is growling, so eat it I will.
Home is another story. There are a few tempting things to shovel in, but I do have fresh melon already cut and chilled. So I'll shovel some of that in and will pee some of it out all night LOL. If I can just break the cycle for a couple of days I think I can do this.
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